Truth #11: Be a Loser

It's the secret ingredient of winners.

When was the last time you lost? More importantly, when was the last time you put yourself in a position to lose? 

While no one likes to lose—and as previously noted, losing streaks leave skidmarks that attract other misfortunes—it is required for growth. If you’re not losing, simply, you’re not challenging yourself. 

As a brilliant, strikingly beautiful poet once said, “To be a loser is to be out in the world”. Yes, that hot poet is me and indeed, I just made this up (LOL). 

When we follow an interest and step outside our comfort zone, we won’t be immediately great. In fact, we may have to suck in public. 

A couple of weeks ago, I signed up for a free trial of ClassPass (insert referral link here). ClassPass is a humbling vision quest that involves dropping into various workout classes at different studios. In the last month, I’ve done yoga, spin, and bootcamp (where I thought mid-box jump, “I don’t love or hate myself enough to be here”.). 

Note: I still don’t know what barre is and don’t plan to! Lagree? Hardly know her.

Throughout the trial, I've avoided all classes with descriptors like, “intense”, “HIIT”, and “sweat steady”. Instead, I’ve opted for “beginner-friendly”, “low impact”, and “mind-body connection”. 

I was at a “beginner-friendly” yoga class when I was served an interesting observation.

As the instructor called out poses (including “dropped lizard tongue”?), I was the only person in the room with zero idea what was happening. My eyes were darting between the instructor and townspeople. Even with manic visuals, I was totally clueless.

Falling into various positions, my body was shaking and bones were cracking. I needed a skyscraper’s worth of blocks in order to “touch” the floor. As someone with the flexibility of a wheelchair bound Vietnam vet, I was visibly worst-in-class.

My yoga report card would’ve read: Coordination: Poor. Flexibility: Despicable. Yoga literacy: Kumon required.

Walking home, it occurred to me: people stick to what they’re good at. 

Everyone in the room arrived decent—hell, they could come within 12 inches of their toes! 

I, on the other hand, arrived knowing that I’d be an optical tragedy.

So, either: I’m the least flexible person in the GTA, or the other beginners weren’t really beginners—at least not by my standards. Admittedly, there are other plausible conclusions, but you get the point. Mostly, we keep in our lane.

As an adult, we do what we know. It’s rare to be bad at something because we play it safe. We minimize our chance of losing all day, everyday. Our aversion to sucking and our dedication to maintaining a safe perimeter makes putting ourselves out there hard. 

We focus more on saving face and less on doing (or trying) the things we want to.

And so, we stay too long in “meh”. We force things together that don’t fit. We ignore the signs, billboards, and airplane banners screaming, “Get out! It’s not working!”.  

Meanwhile, there are versions of ourselves that we fantasize about, but have not explored.

Note: On the topic of thinking about things but not actually doing them, I’ve realized that my post-holiday “diet” is just that. My diet is strictly me thinking about a diet. And every morning, I am shocked to discover a soft inner tube instead of abs (whilst clutching a baguette).

All to say, thinking about doing something does not count as doing it. Losing —whether it’s a “no” to a job you wanted, a second date, or an apartment you applied for—means you’ve actually taken real steps. And this is a good thing.

While losing sucks, it’s part of trying to make things happen. Losing is the pre-ejaculate to a win!

Plus, a missed opportunity was never yours to begin with.

Dwelling on lost opportunities is fantasy.

While we’re all guilty of indulging in “what ifs”, spending too much time in the “what could have been” zone keeps us stuck. It feeds toxic waste to the soul-sucking, self-pity part of us that likes the excuses that bad news affords.

Focusing on loss prevents us from learning, getting better, and reconnecting with our shameless. 

Ultimately, missed opportunities are only a big deal if you’re not growing.

Oftentimes, the thing that we once wanted comes to feel too small. In hindsight, middle management wasn’t it, the dumper couldn’t even grow a stache, and that apartment was way shittier than we remembered. 

As my wise and “anti live, laugh, love” Mom says while waiting for the universe to decide on an opportunity, “this or something better”.

“This or something better” signals that if this isn’t it, there’s something better out there. It's anti-scarcity. If one gig, relationship, or [insert something you want here] is a “no” then a bigger “yes” is just around the corner.

And I think this is true—so long as you’re out there doing and not dwelling.

The only way a missed opportunity was your best shot is if you gave up after.

Also, if no one ever told you, dwelling on missed opportunities is uninteresting. And kind of embarrassing.

For example:

“I almost married a billionaire”

“I was shortlisted for Drake’s role in Degrassi”

“I turned down a job at a start-up that went public”

“The person that sat down after me won the slot machine’s daily double”

“I was asked to start a podcast in 2007 before everyone else and their Great Aunt Agnes did”

“I almost bought 15 Bitcoins in 2012”

We know these stories. We hear these stories. We have our own versions of these stories.

Listening to other people’s “what could have been” tales of woe is draining. If this is happening to you somewhere in the GTA, you’re probably sitting next to my best friend’s mother-in-law.

Hanging onto the past indicates that you interpret your current circumstance as less-than. And while a temporary less-than may be the reality, it should register as a momentary blimp. 

A winner loses often. They just get better at letting it go and trust in their ability to pull another rabbit, contract, or 4 carat rock out of their ass (hat). 

The number of good things available to us is not finite.

So, while some doors close, other doors, windows and fire escapes open. It’s okay to feel the loss of not getting what you want, but remember: losing doesn’t matter. It’s part of winning. If you continue to try things, losing will begin to matter as much as award show season during COVID. 

The world (and universe) is bigger than you are, and you never know what is waiting around the corner when you let go. One “no” clears the way for a better “yes”.

Don’t romanticize what could have been, just keep doing what made opportunities present themselves in the first place.

Your win is closer than you think, loser.